Sunday, December 31, 2006

Company...

Why do we call it that? Company??? I always feel like I'd rather be alone when company comes. It never seems to be the people I'd like to be spending my whole weekend with, or vacation or holiday....NO! It's the in laws that think you're inhospitable when they arrive and the appetizers aren't ready; it's the sister-in-law who wholeheartedly agrees after her 4th glass of wine that, "Yes, most of the family never did like you." It's the uncle who teaches your 4 year old to say "I don't have time for this shit, Mom!!" You've spent 100's on groceries, slaved in the kitchen, labored over your house till it's spotless only for it to be reduced to rubble after 3 days of "company", and here I am...left to feel more alone than ever... even though you are surrounded by COMPANY...

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Whithers and dies.

Dying occurs in stages and clumps. I learned this early on and have seen it expanded in middle age. There are never any rash, sudden deaths in my life. It all happens at once, leaving you dull and numb. When I was nine my Grandfather died and with that led to witnessing my Father cry for the first time; the death of my innocence in that moment. If he could weep then the world would always catch me off guard. Oh course my Grandfather's death led to other small whithering lives...a strained relationship with my Grandmother and Mother causing changes and endings, my Dad's withdrawal into himself...it all came in one lousy clump leaving me raw and weary of, "What next?"

This pattern has followed me. In college my dog would get run over and that night my boyfriend would break up with me, only to cry myself to sleep and be woken with a call from home that my uncle had died. I never felt I could steadfastly rely on that if I could just get through this time, weather this storm, it would all be OK....the other shoe was always about to drop.

Now, my father, my rock, is dead. My marriage is dying, my foundational sense of who I am (my love for my children) is whithering and I'm left again wondering....what next?