The Joy of Oncology....

Today is the day for my 3 month check-up for my Oncologist. I have been cancer free for 1 year, 9 months and 3 days! I still hate these days. My stomach gets in knots (at least I don't puke the second I walk in the door, like I have been known to do in the past.) My heart rate goes up, blood pressure rockets and thanks to my lovely hormone suppressants...I hot flash like firecracker. Such a sight...same scene EVERY time. Mortifying and sweaty all at the same time. I don't so much fear a relapse or recurrence, but do stress over can they find a vein in my one good arm. Seeing my doctor is a roller coaster too....Since he was such an important part of my life during treatment, cared and was so involved in EVERY decision, every step, every drug, etc. After remission...his care understandably falls away, but leaves me feeling like a jilted lover. No...I do NOT have romantic feelings for my doctor, not really. Just this attachment and bonding that I don't have with anyone else, so when I see him (every three months) it's like running into an old friend/ex-boyfriend and having to answer a bunch of personal questions while he feels up my boobs. Still embarrassing...even after ALL THE MANY folks who have felt my breasts....still seems CRAZY! So off I go....the joys of Oncology that will always be the gift that keeps on giving! Pray for me.

Who's Counting Anyways?

OK....I will NOT be making the trip for my 20 year high school reunion in 2 weeks. Part of me wants to go, but the reality is we are not going (for a myriad of unmentionable circumstances that I DO NOT want to get into.) What will I miss??? Well, considering I got "Most Likely To Trip Across The Stage At Graduation"....the odds are they won't be expecting much from me at least. At the 10 year reunion I was 8 1/2 months pregnant...lovely (bloated, hot, swelling feet and can't even blur the edges by throwing back a few cold ones!) Now....another 10 years and I've got LOTS to show for it, but can't imagine sharing anything noteworthy over the loud band, same drunk loud-mouths and abrupt and meaningless chit-chat. Three babies in three years? 11 moves since graduation? Miscarriage? Cancer? Financial problems? Marital stress? The dull hum-drum of 10 years out of the workforce molding young minds in my home? These events are not set around being a get reaquainted type deal...no nothing I have to say would be idle talk for a bunch of snobby folks I was FORCED to be civil to just to fit in back in an era where our hair and our clothes rained supreme. They either don't care or don't want to even listen. I sound VERY cynical...I know, but you did not grow up in my neighborhood. I think the folks I would genuinely like to see...I already see, and the rest probably will just talk about me behind my back about how much weight I've gained, or where I live or something else they deem gossipy enough to stand around and banter about. I'm sitting this one out....life's priorities have changed and 20 years since I used to skip class and get drunk and struggle to fit in have passed me by. My life is now, and I guess the part of me curious to see how screwed up everybody else turned out will just have to be left up to my imagination....or from all the gossip I'll hear AFTER the big event!

Bloody Mary

OK, quite honestly...my drinking may be a problem. It's 3:30 p.m. and I've already went to the trouble of making a Bloody Mary. Now we are only 12 days into summer, mind you, but I want a beverage. Several in the evenings. Problem? Not sure, but numb enough to not analyze too much. Why am I writing about it then? Blogging is cheaper than therapy. I wish I was disciplined enough to write at least once a week....then I could consider my keyboard the "couch" and my blog the analysis. Not much feedback, but the last time I saw a counselor, after spilling my guts for 45 minutes and her response being, "Wow, anyone would be depressed with all of THAT going on! You need to just breathe more." Really? Breathing is my problem? Well, goodness....if I'd stopped I could see that being an issue, but that's it? Breathe more? All of that for $150 an hour. Think I'll just try to pull up a chair and vent to the anonymous world of blogger.com......If I gave many more details, you'd need a drink too!

Love Dare...

OK, cheesy acting aside...I actually got my husband to watch Fireproof with me the other night. Then low and behold our church passes out the Love Dare Book to us on Easter Sunday. Now with little to no negotiating on my part...(well, I did agree to address some of his physical needs during the 40 day process if he would address my emotional ones).....we are really doing the book. Two days under our belt (patience and kindness) and corny or not....I think some great things could come out of this! God works in mysterious ways, and I am just excited to have T focusing on our marriage and not the stress of failing finances, busy children or looming cancer! So check back in 38 days and see our blossoming marriage (or not...but I'm going for optimism!) Maybe you can take stock of your own relationship...is every interaction based on love, patience and kindness??? If you are like me, probably not, but there is always room to grow and change. Take a look at yourself, not the faults of your partner! Go on...I dare you! Love Dare you!