After all this time...

I haven't even been to this site for a year and a half....only one person still came (thank you Sunny.) I am six months cancer free, but do not feel well yet. The medicine I am taking is stealing whatever was left of who I used to be. Shaky, tired, weak, numb....I go through the routine of my day hoping my chidren don't resent me. That they won't grow up and JUST remember how sick mom always was, how she never seemed well enough to play. How will they know that was never how I planned it? That I used to be funny? That the cancer only killed me on the inside but left my body here...responsible for three young lives when I can't manage my own. I hope it will get better...I can only pray that it will...

I love...

Rereading my first three posts, I feel like I need to flip to some positive things that I absolutely love and focus on these for a while. Would "LOVE" anyone to leave what they absolutely love in a comment.

I love...
-Curling up beside a warm fire
-My hubby making all the beds before he leaves for work
-My children's laughter
-Bear hugs
-Compliments unexpectedly
-Finding money in a coat pocket
-Getting real mail
-A good glass of Merlot
-Old hymns
-Time alone to scrapbook
-Finishing what I start
-Board games
-A good book
-Random "What if?" questions that are irrational and crazy and pop into my head all the time and make me laugh.
-Foot rubs
-Boiled, spicy crawfish and a cold Shiner Bach
-Knitting
-Hearing my son read
-Snow skiing
-The beach trips in Texas
-Date night
-Alpha Chi Omega
-My Dad
-Fabulous pajamas

Time alone...

OK, I wanted a break (begged for it actually), so hubby and kiddos took off for a weekend sister-in-laws to do some hunting and fishing. Three whole days and two nights where NOBODY needs me for ANYTHING. Time alone, peace and quiet...total relaxation! This is what I've been whining about for months and was I happy???? Of course not. It was too quiet, I got bored after the first day, a bag of M&M's later and the whole first season of LOST under my belt. I ordered a pizza the way I like it, stayed up till 2:00 am....whoa nelly and could have slept till noon. Did I? No my internal clock was wide awake at 6:30 as usual as if the walls themselves were wailing for cereal and cartoons. I have come to the realization I must be impossible to please, because for once I got what I wanted and was still down. How sad. I was hoping I'd even miss the family so much it would be good for me. But am I??? Well, they'll be here in about 30 minutes and I'm still planning my big escape. At least I know it's me now and not my kiddos, irritating husband, company or anything else. It's all my fault and when you think you want time alone and you are a big bore...what should I expect????

Company...

Why do we call it that? Company??? I always feel like I'd rather be alone when company comes. It never seems to be the people I'd like to be spending my whole weekend with, or vacation or holiday....NO! It's the in laws that think you're inhospitable when they arrive and the appetizers aren't ready; it's the sister-in-law who wholeheartedly agrees after her 4th glass of wine that, "Yes, most of the family never did like you." It's the uncle who teaches your 4 year old to say "I don't have time for this shit, Mom!!" You've spent 100's on groceries, slaved in the kitchen, labored over your house till it's spotless only for it to be reduced to rubble after 3 days of "company", and here I am...left to feel more alone than ever... even though you are surrounded by COMPANY...

Whithers and dies.

Dying occurs in stages and clumps. I learned this early on and have seen it expanded in middle age. There are never any rash, sudden deaths in my life. It all happens at once, leaving you dull and numb. When I was nine my Grandfather died and with that led to witnessing my Father cry for the first time; the death of my innocence in that moment. If he could weep then the world would always catch me off guard. Oh course my Grandfather's death led to other small whithering lives...a strained relationship with my Grandmother and Mother causing changes and endings, my Dad's withdrawal into himself...it all came in one lousy clump leaving me raw and weary of, "What next?"

This pattern has followed me. In college my dog would get run over and that night my boyfriend would break up with me, only to cry myself to sleep and be woken with a call from home that my uncle had died. I never felt I could steadfastly rely on that if I could just get through this time, weather this storm, it would all be OK....the other shoe was always about to drop.

Now, my father, my rock, is dead. My marriage is dying, my foundational sense of who I am (my love for my children) is whithering and I'm left again wondering....what next?