The Joy of Oncology....

Today is the day for my 3 month check-up for my Oncologist. I have been cancer free for 1 year, 9 months and 3 days! I still hate these days. My stomach gets in knots (at least I don't puke the second I walk in the door, like I have been known to do in the past.) My heart rate goes up, blood pressure rockets and thanks to my lovely hormone suppressants...I hot flash like firecracker. Such a sight...same scene EVERY time. Mortifying and sweaty all at the same time. I don't so much fear a relapse or recurrence, but do stress over can they find a vein in my one good arm. Seeing my doctor is a roller coaster too....Since he was such an important part of my life during treatment, cared and was so involved in EVERY decision, every step, every drug, etc. After remission...his care understandably falls away, but leaves me feeling like a jilted lover. No...I do NOT have romantic feelings for my doctor, not really. Just this attachment and bonding that I don't have with anyone else, so when I see him (every three months) it's like running into an old friend/ex-boyfriend and having to answer a bunch of personal questions while he feels up my boobs. Still embarrassing...even after ALL THE MANY folks who have felt my breasts....still seems CRAZY! So off I go....the joys of Oncology that will always be the gift that keeps on giving! Pray for me.

Who's Counting Anyways?

OK....I will NOT be making the trip for my 20 year high school reunion in 2 weeks. Part of me wants to go, but the reality is we are not going (for a myriad of unmentionable circumstances that I DO NOT want to get into.) What will I miss??? Well, considering I got "Most Likely To Trip Across The Stage At Graduation"....the odds are they won't be expecting much from me at least. At the 10 year reunion I was 8 1/2 months pregnant...lovely (bloated, hot, swelling feet and can't even blur the edges by throwing back a few cold ones!) Now....another 10 years and I've got LOTS to show for it, but can't imagine sharing anything noteworthy over the loud band, same drunk loud-mouths and abrupt and meaningless chit-chat. Three babies in three years? 11 moves since graduation? Miscarriage? Cancer? Financial problems? Marital stress? The dull hum-drum of 10 years out of the workforce molding young minds in my home? These events are not set around being a get reaquainted type deal...no nothing I have to say would be idle talk for a bunch of snobby folks I was FORCED to be civil to just to fit in back in an era where our hair and our clothes rained supreme. They either don't care or don't want to even listen. I sound VERY cynical...I know, but you did not grow up in my neighborhood. I think the folks I would genuinely like to see...I already see, and the rest probably will just talk about me behind my back about how much weight I've gained, or where I live or something else they deem gossipy enough to stand around and banter about. I'm sitting this one out....life's priorities have changed and 20 years since I used to skip class and get drunk and struggle to fit in have passed me by. My life is now, and I guess the part of me curious to see how screwed up everybody else turned out will just have to be left up to my imagination....or from all the gossip I'll hear AFTER the big event!

Bloody Mary

OK, quite honestly...my drinking may be a problem. It's 3:30 p.m. and I've already went to the trouble of making a Bloody Mary. Now we are only 12 days into summer, mind you, but I want a beverage. Several in the evenings. Problem? Not sure, but numb enough to not analyze too much. Why am I writing about it then? Blogging is cheaper than therapy. I wish I was disciplined enough to write at least once a week....then I could consider my keyboard the "couch" and my blog the analysis. Not much feedback, but the last time I saw a counselor, after spilling my guts for 45 minutes and her response being, "Wow, anyone would be depressed with all of THAT going on! You need to just breathe more." Really? Breathing is my problem? Well, goodness....if I'd stopped I could see that being an issue, but that's it? Breathe more? All of that for $150 an hour. Think I'll just try to pull up a chair and vent to the anonymous world of blogger.com......If I gave many more details, you'd need a drink too!

Love Dare...

OK, cheesy acting aside...I actually got my husband to watch Fireproof with me the other night. Then low and behold our church passes out the Love Dare Book to us on Easter Sunday. Now with little to no negotiating on my part...(well, I did agree to address some of his physical needs during the 40 day process if he would address my emotional ones).....we are really doing the book. Two days under our belt (patience and kindness) and corny or not....I think some great things could come out of this! God works in mysterious ways, and I am just excited to have T focusing on our marriage and not the stress of failing finances, busy children or looming cancer! So check back in 38 days and see our blossoming marriage (or not...but I'm going for optimism!) Maybe you can take stock of your own relationship...is every interaction based on love, patience and kindness??? If you are like me, probably not, but there is always room to grow and change. Take a look at yourself, not the faults of your partner! Go on...I dare you! Love Dare you!

Fish Hook Face...

Yes, H actually got a fish hook caught in his cheek last night when we went to the L's for dinner. They spent the evening in the ER digging it out. It is ALWAYS H!!! If something is going to happen to someone, it is going to be him. Didn't cry, didn't scream or go crazy...just calm and cool as if a 4 inch lure wasn't laying across his face, just dangling there. The ER nurse actually asked what the problem was when they went to check him into the ER...when she finally looked up, she seemed appropriately embarrassed! Put a damper on our social outing, that is for sure...I think we are done fishing for the summer!

The Jump Around...

Birthday parties, birthday parties, birthday parties! With three kids 8 and under, we have at LEAST one birthday party a weekend. I have had to change the budget just to accommodate the gifts we buy weekly. This morning's celebratory outing was to the Jump Around...new to town. Basically a room with about 8 bounce houses in it....joy to the world. Set loose about 20 7 year old boys, and I don't care who you are, that's a good time right there. I counted seven crying encounters, three scrapes, 2 with actual blood flow, at LEAST 12 hurt feelings, 20 or so near fatal falls...good times for all...and at 10 in the morning on a Saturday!!!! We left with the most obnoxious blow toys that any parent who would feel inclined to include in a gift bag should be just shot right there on the spot, save the world from nuts like that!!! We are sunburned too after a day swimming at the pool...great Mom, just finished cancer treatment and lets her kids get sunburned....That will go in my book of great Mom debacles. T is working tonight and I am tired. Ordered takeout again....God is good.....cooking is not.

No A.C....

We went to David S.'s Mom's funeral today. Never met the lady and I still cried, probably too much by how T was looking at me. He and I got into some ridiculous, but painful argument before the service. He seems to always fall short when it comes to me emotionally. I can't get him to understand how BAD I feel. Achey, weak, shakey and tired (constantly)...could this be a country and western song? Oh I am so sick of feeling sick. I can't seem to focus on anything else but how bad I feel. The kids are bickering their summer away....probably my fault too.

Confused on how to help SW with her marriage problems. ACole seems to think I am the one to help her, but she doesn't want my help. Speak to me God if this IS your plan. Show me what to do. Mom is feeling guilty about not helping enough, but yet she still hasn't kept the kids for me. The AC went out in the burb (MORE $$$$) and I am one constant body of sweat. I am looking at a mound of laundry that is much higher than my will or my strength or my spirit. In fact, if you check, I think you might find me buried underneath it. The only thing I can get a little worked up about is that some of my shows are canceled...Ok, thats a lie...I get worked up about everything.

If I go down to the pool to swim, will you wash all of my sins away??